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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mom’s Spoon Preferred to Dad’s Belt, Survey Results Suggest

April 29, 2018 Andrew

SALEM, OR A new survey of Mennonite children and ex-children suggests a strong preference for mom’s spoon to dad’s belt during disciplinary sessions. The survey asked more than a thousand Mennonite children and two thousand […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Nylons Now Come in Three New Shades of Brown

April 29, 2018 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB Mennonite ladies across Southern Manitoba were excited to discover all the new shades of brown being offered by their local nylon stocking supplier. In addition to the classic chestnut brown, Mennonite nylons now […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Quartet Breaks Up After Discovering Tenor is Lutheran

April 28, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB One of Manitoba’s top Mennonite quartets, The Gospel Bottom Boys, has decided to call it quits after more than thirty years together when it was discovered that tenor Bennie Schmidt was actually a […]

Unger Suspicion

Ford to Stop Producing Mennonite Buggies

April 27, 2018 Andrew

DEARBORN, MI There is shocking news out of Michigan today as Ford Motor Company CEO Jim Hackett announced that the company would cease production of Mennonite and Amish buggies, other than the Mustang, by the […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Woman Converts to Hinduism Five Minutes into Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown DVD

April 26, 2018 Andrew

BOISSEVAIN, MB Yogaphobia has invaded a small Manitoba town after Mrs. Martens, 42, longtime women’s ministry co-ordinator at the local Mennonite church, declared she was “done with the faith” and decided to dedicate her life […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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