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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Does ‘The Dab’ During Responsive Reading

June 4, 2019 Andrew

ELKHART, IN Pastor Hoffstetter thoroughly embarrassed his teenage children this week after doing ‘the dab’ during Sunday morning’s responsive reading. “I just wanted to lighten the mood a little,” explained Hoffstetter. “Sometimes the readings are […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Accidentally Speaks Plautdietsch Outside the Barn

June 3, 2019 Andrew

GRUENFELD, MB Mr. Johan Pauls was rapt in conversation with his shekbenjel Charlie Wiens when they absent-mindedly wandered outside the hog barn and were heard speaking Plautdietsch all over the yard. Gruenfeld Police were immediately […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Sucks Down Fifty Sugar Cubes During Funeral Reception

June 2, 2019 Andrew

REINFELD, MB Mr. Buhler, 71, set a new Mennonite record after consuming more than fifty sugar cubes dipped in coffee at the funeral reception of Mr. Kehler. “You should have seen that man. Sugar cube […]

Unger Suspicion

Vinegar Feeling ‘Severely Neglected’ as Jason Kenney Spends All His Time on Oil

June 1, 2019 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Representatives from the vinegar industry are feeling pretty darn neglected as Alberta Premier Jason Kenney seems to be spending all his time defending oil. “He’s just oil this and oil that. I get […]

The Daily Bonnet

M.P. Reads Daily Bonnet Headlines in House of Commons

May 31, 2019 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Okay, like, for real. On May 28, Hon. Candice Bergen, Member of Parliament for Portage-Lisgar, spoke in support of a motion to establish a Mennonite Heritage Week. During her speech, she discussed various […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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