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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Demand the Return of Prime Minister Stephen Harder

January 15, 2022 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Mennonites gathered in various angry Facebook groups over the weekend to give thumbs up to a wide variety of memes calling for the replacement of Prime Minister Trudeau with Stephen Harder. “Oba, things […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Excited as Masks are Finally Being Handed Out at the Liquor Store

January 14, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Mennonites across southern Manitoba were elated at the announcement that masks would be made available at liquor stores throughout the province. “I’ve got to be protected…” said Mr. Buhler of Winkler, “against the […]

The Daily Bonnet

Province Totally Gives Up on Oma Krahn Fight

January 13, 2022 Andrew

VANAPAG, MENNOTOBA After getting their behinds whooped by a kindly Mennonite grandmother for the past couple weeks, the provincial government has decided that this Oma Krahn is just too much to handle and will no […]

No Picture
The Daily Bonnet

Eligible Mennonite Women Compete to See Has to Marry Lifelong Bachelor Abe

January 12, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Dozens of single Mennonite women in their fifties across the Pembina Valley are competing to see who gets stuck marrying the town’s remaining bachelor 62-year-old retired hog farmer Abe. “Well, he’s the only […]

Unger & Thirst

Man with Two Doses of Schmaunt Fat Forced to Mix it Up with Rhubarb Sauce

January 12, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Despite receiving two helpings of vereniki with schmaunt fat, local man Michael Wall, 41, was told all they had left was rhubarb sauce for his third go around this week. “They said they’re […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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