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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man ‘Conscientiously Objects’ to Watching the Oscars

March 28, 2022 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Citing his pacifist principles, Mr. Gordon Eby, 71, of Kitchener has submitted a formal written request to enter into “alternative service” during next year’s Oscar Party. “As a member of a historic peace […]

Unger & Thirst

World’s Most Innovative Mennonite Woman Puts Sweet and Sour Sauce on Her Farmer Sausage

March 26, 2022 Andrew

BLUMENORT, MB Mrs. Ruth Berg has been awarded the ‘World’s Most Innovative Mennonite’ prize this week for her ingenious use of sweet and sour sauce on farmer sausage. “And instead of vereniki, I serve this […]

Unger Suspicion

Manitoba Government Rebrands Spring Break as ‘Winter Break Part 2’

March 25, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB In an effort to more accurately reflect the realities of the situation, the Manitoba government has decided to rebrand Spring Break 2022 as ‘Winter Break Part 2.’ Area students were super excited about […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man to Increase Gas Production

March 24, 2022 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC Fraser Valley gas producer Marty Klassen, 48, is responding to the worldwide oil and gas shortage by ramping up production of his own. “If OPEC isn’t going to do it, then I guess […]

Unger Suspicion

Winnipeg Transit Now Offering Ark Service

March 23, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Starting this Sunday, the public transit service in Manitoba’s largest city will now include trips across town via ark. “This is something we’ve needed for years,” said mayor Brian Bowman. “Every spring I […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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