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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Hundreds of Expired Chicken Chef Coupons Discovered in Mennonite Man’s Wallet

October 10, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Investigators have finally revealed just what was causing Mr. Neil Reimer’s wallet to grow to such an enormous size – Chicken Chef coupons. “It all makes sense now,” said lead investigator Sheena Plett. […]

Unger Suspicion

Americans Accuse Canada of “Premature Thankfulness”

October 9, 2022 Andrew

ELKHART, IN Millions of Americans have signed a petition to stop Canada from celebrating Thanksgiving early. “This premature thankfulness has got to stop,” said Mr. Frey of Elkhart, Indiana. “I’ve got some cousins up there […]

The Daily Bonnet

Outreach Event Fails After Toronto Mennonite Church Hosts Actual Blue Jay Watching Party

October 8, 2022 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Hundreds of locals stormed out of the Toronto Disunited Mennonite Church this week after they showed up for what they thought was going to be Game 1 of the MLB playoffs. “They told […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Churches to Settle Decades-long Feud with Cornhole Tournament

October 6, 2022 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN Mennonites across Elkhart County have been honing their beanbag tossing skills this week in preparation for the Cornhole Tournament to End All Cornhole Tournaments to be held at First Goshen Mennonite Church. At […]

The Daily Bonnet

Kinky Mennonite Couple to Try 606ing Tonight

October 5, 2022 Andrew

FRESNO, CA After spending the weekend visiting some GCer friends in Indiana, MBers Marge and Albert Wiens are eager to get home and “try out 606” for themselves. “All weekend long, our General Conference friends […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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