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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Rules Thumbs Up Emoji Counts as Legally Binding Marriage Proposal

July 7, 2023 Andrew

ROSTHERN, SK The North Rosthern MB Church is inviting everyone to the wedding of Christopher Peters and Alison Funk this Sunday after Christopher inadvertently gave a “thumbs up” to one of Alison’s posts. “As far […]

Headline Contest

Choose your favourite headline for this photo

July 7, 2023 Andrew

The finalists are in for headline contest #7. Congrats to Justina Bergen, Connor Brick, and Darren Froese. Which of these is your favourite headline for this photo? Voting open until July 9th at 11:59 pm.

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Grandma Smuggles Baking Powder into White House, Plans to Make Zwieback

July 6, 2023 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Mrs. Janzen of Goessel, Kansas has been arrested in the nation’s capital this week after smuggling a Ziploc bag full of what she says is baking powder into the White House. “I thought […]

Unger & Thirst

MennoCon23 Attendee Caught Skipping Session to Get BBQ

July 5, 2023 Andrew

KANSAS CITY, MO Mrs. Janzen, delegate from Oregon Mennonite Church, was caught skipping the afternoon seminar this Wednesday to get ahead of the rush at Arthur Bryant’s. “What do you expect?” said Janzen. “We don’t […]

Unger & Thirst

Americans to Consume More than 2 Million Tons of Baked Beans Today

July 4, 2023 Andrew

HUBBARD, OR According to the FDA, Americans consume more than 2 million tons of molasses baked beans every 4th of July. The volume of baked bean consumption has some officials worried about air quality this […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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