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Month: July 2023

Unger & Thirst

MennoCon23 Attendee Caught Skipping Session to Get BBQ

July 5, 2023 Andrew

KANSAS CITY, MO Mrs. Janzen, delegate from Oregon Mennonite Church, was caught skipping the afternoon seminar this Wednesday to get ahead of the rush at Arthur Bryant’s. “What do you expect?” said Janzen. “We don’t […]

Unger & Thirst

Americans to Consume More than 2 Million Tons of Baked Beans Today

July 4, 2023 Andrew

HUBBARD, OR According to the FDA, Americans consume more than 2 million tons of molasses baked beans every 4th of July. The volume of baked bean consumption has some officials worried about air quality this […]

Daily Bonnet

Beloved Mennonite Sex Educator to Be Honoured at Church this Sunday

July 3, 2023 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Renowned Mennonite sex educator Susanna Janzen, 91, will be honoured at the morning service this Sunday for her tireless dedication to keep Mennonites from finding out anything about sex until well after […]

Unger Suspicion

Canadians Accidentally Set Off Fireworks 3 Days Early

July 1, 2023 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Residents of Sumas, Washington were completely baffled by the huge display of fireworks over the border in Abbotsford, BC this evening. “What are they doing? Practicing?” pondered Mrs. Schmidt of Sumas. “They had […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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