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Month: September 2016

Unger Suspicion

“Not Only Does the New iPhone Suck, But It’s Also a Sin”

September 13, 2016 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB While millions of people around the world clamour to get their hands on the latest Apple product, Mennonite leaders are working together with Samsung and others to convince congregants that the new […]

Unger Suspicion

Fox News Sold to Group of Mennonite Investors; New Channel to Promote ‘Peace, Love, and Understanding’

September 13, 2016 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY Following a $12 billion bid for the notorious news outlet, a group of pacifist Mennonite investors has successfully taken ownership of Fox News and are planning to turn it into a channel that promotes […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Impresses Many With His Ability to Open Stubborn Pickle Jars

September 12, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Local strong man Art P. Blatz, 51, is renowned throughout the area for his ability to open pickle jars that no one else can seem to get open, even after running hot water […]

Unger & Thirst

Fraser Valley Man Dunks Donut, Sparks Massive Theological Debate

September 11, 2016 Andrew

CLEARBROOK, BC Little did Elmer Friesen know when he dunked his chocolate glazed donut in his coffee at the local Tim Hortons, that this small act would spark a theological feud with neighbouring coffee drinkers. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage

September 10, 2016 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Every chaste young man’s biggest fear came true last night as Eric Dueck and Sarah Loewen were miraculously raptured just moments before they were able to consummate their marriage. “I just knew this […]

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