What Every Mennonite Parent Needs to Know About ‘Fortnite’


Oba, yo! So all my children are playing this game on the television. I think it’s called ‘Fortnites’. Well, we had a meeting about it with the elders and, oba, let me tell you, we are concerned, yet, mighty concerned. If your child is not yet playing ‘Fortnite’ please stop them before they start. Otherwise, these things will happen to them for sure yet!

  • They will yell a lot. When they lose the game, they’ll get angry and yell and throw things. You may be used to this from playing playing Dutch Blitz or knipsbrat. But watch out because a young person can yell a lot louder than Oma Schmidt.
  • They will refuse to do their chores. My shildren want to yust play and play that game and they don’t even enjoy malking the cows anymore. I don’t know what’s gotten into them. But I told to them they better malk those cows or out comes the belt! They just laughed and said my belt doesn’t hurt anymore, but just tickles. So, then I don’t know what to do once!
  • They will exhibit violent behaviour. This game is, oba, so violent yet. Kicking and shooting and punching and what not. It’s the most violent game since that one with the immigrant plumbers.
  • They’ll neglect their devotions. Every day they’re supposed to read the Daily Bread in the morning and Chicken Soup for the Mennonite Soul before bed. But now all they wants to do is play Fortnites. “Fortnites. Fortnites. Fornites. It’s enough already! Read your Daily Breads!” I say.
  • They will talk back to oma. We were visiting Oma Klassen and they didn’t even give her a foot bath like they usually do. Her corns are getting really bad. They just said, “no, Oma. No more foot baths. We’re playing Fortnite.” So, you can see why this game needs to stop!
  • They’ll refuse to wear their duaks properly. In shurch on Sunday, Maria said she had seen the way the womens dress in that game and they don’t wear duaks or even those little head-coverings the Holdemans wear. Nothing. Just nothing. So Maria got the idea that she didn’t need a duak either. I said, “as long as you’re living in my house, you will wear a piece of cloth on your head!” And she said, “Oba, papa, you need to get woke.”
  • They’ll run off to the city to be with a man. So after I said to Maria to wear her duak properly, she met a young man from Vanapag and I haven’t seen her since. They are in an apartment in Osborne somewheres playing Fortnites. See, and now I’ll be a grandpa, all because of that silly video game!
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