An unredacted transcript of a conversation between Donald Trump and top Ukrainian officials revealed that most of the conversation involved an attempt by Trump to get a really awesome pierogi recipe.
“I did nothing wrong,” said Trump. “I didn’t ask for anything inappropriate. It was just a friendly little chat. ‘I’d like a favour, though. Got any dirt on Joe Biden and how about baba’s delicious varenyky recipe?'”
Evidence suggests Trump was particularly eager to get the recipe because he had been suffering for years without a proper potato and cheese dumpling with sour cream.
“Ever tried the White House food? Disgusting. I really had to get that information,” said Trump. “I’m going crazy in here. I’m gonna starve without it!”
The new evidence has been quite the blow to Democrats who want to impeach Trump.
“I thought there would be something more substantial,” said Elizabeth Warren. “I mean I totally get it. If I could use the power and might of the White House to secure myself a good pierogi recipe, I might even do it myself.”
Ukrainian officials were not receptive to Trump’s request, saying that Trump would have to provide a lot more than a few Javelin missiles and a threatening chat with Angela Merkel before they’d give away the secret to a really good varenyky.