Toews Plays Final Game for Chicago


There was a standing ovation in Chicago this week after former Canadian cabinet minister Vic Toews played his final game for the local NHL squad.

“He didn’t score a lot of points in his career, but he was one of the game’s most feared enforcers,” said the expert hired by ESPN to pretend to care and known something about hockey. “I mean you should have seen some of his heated exchanges with Paul Martin. Never before had I heard someone being called a ‘Schinda’ with quite so much passion and finesse.”

Toews reportedly signed onto the team after a trip to visit his relatives in Paraguay took a wrong turn.

“Back in those days, I booked all my trips via phone with my travel agent in North Kildonan,” said Toews. “I made it very clear that I wanted her to book me a trip to the Chaco, and next thing you know I was in Chicago. Ahh, well, at least the summers are bearable here.”

It’s not yet known whether Toews will retire from hockey completely or seek a contract with another team.

“Maybe the Vanapag Jats or Blumenort Menno Knights need a good solid defensemen,” said Toews. “Or maybe I could play for Vankla and we’d finally be able to beat that team from Schteinback.”

The ovation at The United Center lasted a full fifteen minutes and was reportedly the only one Toews ever received outside Provencher Conservative meetings.

(photo credit: Anna Enriquez/CC/modified) 

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