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Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Issues Memo Against Signing Garrett Marino

September 10, 2022 Andrew

REGINA, SK After a number of controversial hits that resulted in him being cut from the team, former Saskatchewan Roughriders defensive lineman Garrett Marino will have to look for work elsewhere. Joining the staff of […]

Unger Games

Winnipeg Jets Sign Top Free Agent Enforcer Will Smith

April 3, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Desperately needing to shore up their physical game if they have any shot at the playoffs, the lowly Winnipeg Jets inked the hottest enforcer currently available – Will Smith. “I’m not sure how […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man ‘Conscientiously Objects’ to Watching the Oscars

March 28, 2022 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Citing his pacifist principles, Mr. Gordon Eby, 71, of Kitchener has submitted a formal written request to enter into “alternative service” during next year’s Oscar Party. “As a member of a historic peace […]

The Daily Bonnet

Fight Breaks Out Over Coat at Local Thrift Store

November 25, 2021 Andrew

SEWARD, NE There was an all out brawl at the local thrift store this afternoon after a lovely faux fur winter coat was spotted by two Mennonite women simultaneously. “I saw it first!” yelled Mrs. […]

Unger Suspicion

Man Who Trashed Entire Neighbourhood When the Canucks Lost Really Upset About a Few Statues Coming Down

July 8, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Local man Dylan Goossen-Schmidt is really upset about the toppling of a few statues in Winnipeg this week, saying that the only justification for property destruction is when your team wins or loses […]

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