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tim hortons

Unger & Thirst

Tim Hortons to Replace Timbits with Mennonite Zwieback

June 14, 2024 Andrew

NORTH KILDONAN, MB Canadian donut giant Tim Hortons held a press conference on Henderson Highway this afternoon to announce a new item on the menu – Mennonite zwieback – well, just the tops anyway. “For […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Gets the Wrong Message from Her French Vanilla

March 10, 2023 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB Things did not go as planned after Bethany Neufeld, 25, of Rosenort decided to be a little adventurous in her coffee order in Steinbach this morning. “Oh my jauma!” shouted Neufeld as she […]

Unger & Thirst

Area Man Mistakes Freedom Convoy for Timmies Line

January 27, 2022 Andrew

THUNDER BAY, ON Local man Dan Friesen, 51, was heading out for his daily double-double and chocolate cream glazed, when he entered what he thought was just the regular Timmies line. “I thought nothing of […]

Unger Suspicion

Tim Hortons Collaborates with Gordon Lightfoot for New ‘Gordon Bits’

December 22, 2021 Andrew

HAMILTON, ON Fresh off the heals of their Justin Bieber collaboration, donut manufacturer Tim Hortons has decided to make sweet tasty balls with the second most legendary Canadian musician they could find, Gordon Lightfoot. “I […]

Unger & Thirst

Tim Hortons Collabs with Mr. Wiebe to Offer New Line of Mennonite Products

December 11, 2021 Andrew

OAKVILLE, ON Justin Wiebe, 23, of London, Ontario has just signed a lucrative $8,000,000 contract to design Mennonite-inspired Timbits and other products for Timmies locations across Canada. “They approached me in the MB lot after […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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