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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man ‘Conscientiously Objects’ to Watching the Oscars

March 28, 2022 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Citing his pacifist principles, Mr. Gordon Eby, 71, of Kitchener has submitted a formal written request to enter into “alternative service” during next year’s Oscar Party. “As a member of a historic peace […]

Unger Suspicion

Hollywood Actor Presented with Annual “Even More Self-Righteous than a Mennonite” Award

February 11, 2020 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA The annual Hollywood Self-Righteousness Awards were handed out on Sunday, with the top designation ‘Even More Self-Righteous than a Mennonite’ going to actor Joaquin Phoenix. “I’d like to thank the Academy of Unwarranted […]

Unger Suspicion

Ricky Gervais Roasts “Mennonite Elites” at Annual Sunday School Attendance Awards

January 8, 2020 Andrew

HOLMES COUNTY, OH The cream of the crop of the Mennonite world gathered at the Holmes County Motel 6 this week to celebrate the annual Sunday School Attendance Awards. The evening is normally a celebration […]

Unger Suspicion

New Biopic Reveals Freddie Mercury’s ‘Secret Wild Mennonite Life’

February 16, 2019 Andrew

LONDON, UK A popular new biopic, Blumenort Rhapsody, reveals a side of Freddie Mercury’s life that has remained untold until now. From 1978-1982, the Queen singer secretly lived among the Mennonites of southern Manitoba. “At the […]

Unger Suspicion

Documentary “The Shape of Water” Tells the Story of a Mennonite Woman and Her Husband Abe

March 8, 2018 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA The big winner at the Oscars this year was Guillermo del Toro’s documentary The Shape of Water, which tells the tale of a passionate romance between a Mennonite woman named Helen Elias and a […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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