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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Loops Parking Lot for an Hour to Avoid Paying for Parking

January 12, 2019 Andrew

CALGARY, AB Local man Jeremy Goerzen, 39, was picking up his friends at the airport who were visiting from Manitoba. Unfortunately the flight was delayed and so, instead, of paying ten dollars to park, Jeremy […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Wins A Million Dollars Worth of Farmer Sausage After Mr. Loeppky Scores 5 Goals in Floor Hockey Game

November 24, 2018 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB After a stellar performance by Darren Loeppky in the EMC gymnasium this evening, one lucky member of the congregation is being awarded a million dollars, payable in farmer sausage over the next twenty […]

Unger & Thirst

Zwieback Added to Periodic Table of Elements

November 4, 2018 Andrew

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry has decided they’ve given up on mercury and decided to replace element 80 with the dry Mennonite bread known has zwieback. “It’s one of the […]

Unger Suspicion

Canada Pays Off Entire Federal Debt One Day After Marijuana Legalization

October 18, 2018 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Less than 24 hours after cannabis became legal in Canada, the federal government announced they had made so much money in tax revenue from the sale of legal weed that they were able […]

Unger Conviction

Pastor’s Son to Take Over the Family Business

September 27, 2018 Andrew

HOUSTON, TX After announcing senior pastor Jim’s retirement from full-time ministry this past week, the Big Tex Gospel Church and Smokehouse in Houston has already chosen a successor to lead the church into the future. […]

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