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health

The Daily Bonnet

Abes Treatment Centre Opens in Winkler

February 17, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB A new Abes treatment centre has opened up on the highway between Morden and Winkler. The hope is that convenient access to medical help will prevent Abes from spreading beyond the Pembina Valley. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Denies Having a Beer Belly

February 1, 2017 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Local man Herman Fast has denied accusations made by church authorities that his rotund belly is the result of drinking large quantities of beer, claiming that it is due solely to the […]

Unger & Thirst

Global Mennonite Weight Increases 50 Million Pounds Over the Holiday Season

January 2, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA Scientists at the Center for Mennonite Health in Lancaster, Pennsylvania have estimated that the collective weight of Mennonites on planet Earth reached 420 million pounds during the 2016 holiday season, an increase of […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Overdoses on Christmas Oranges

December 26, 2016 Andrew

KLEEFELD, MB Local woman Mrs. Helen F. Gerbrandt, 76, of the Kleefeld area was hospitalized yesterday after consuming more than thirty Mandarin oranges in a single sitting. “She’s got way too much Vitamin C in her body,” […]

Unger Conviction

Colicky Baby Jesus Completely Ruins Living Nativity

December 18, 2016 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB The annual living nativity was brought to a standstill last night after the young infant playing baby Jesus just didn’t stop crying. The incessant crying was so disruptive that the braying donkeys could scarcely […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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