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The Daily Bonnet

Chris Goertzen and Kelvin Goertzen Still Insist They’re Not Brothers

May 26, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Despite the fact that Steinbach, Manitoba is home to the largest concentration of Goertzens in the world, Chris Goertzen, mayor of Steinbach, and Kelvin Goertzen, local MLA, are having a hard time convincing area […]

Unger Suspicion

Area Man Elected President of Ecuador

May 24, 2016 Andrew

QUITO, ECUADOR Local Good Samaritan Mark Reimer will be sworn in as President of Ecuador in a ceremony to take place this July in the small fishing village of Puerto Lopez. “I’m working on my Spanish,” […]

Unger Suspicion

Mennonite Man Still ‘Feeling the Bern’

May 23, 2016 Andrew

GOESSEL, KS Mennonite deacon and family man Larry Hiebert, 33, is desperately holding onto any last thread of hope that Bernie Sanders has of winning the Democratic nomination. Hiebert was at the front of the crowd when Sanders […]

Unger Suspicion

Ted Falk Unscathed After Lone Elbowist Attacks Canadian Parliament

May 20, 2016 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Provencher MP Ted Falk managed to escape the House of Commons unharmed as a brutal elbow attack ravaged Parliament Hill on Thursday. “Those things are sharp, especially the Prime Minister’s,” commented Falk, still […]

The Daily Bonnet

Steinbach City Council Approves Plan to Move Entire Population to Mennonite Heritage Village

May 17, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Disregarding months of public consultation that suggested residents preferred to stay in the 21st century, council members of Manitoba’s third largest city voted Tuesday to move the entire population to the local pioneer […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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