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The Daily Bonnet

Dutch Blitz Players Now Required to Wear Full Body Armour

June 13, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA The Pennsylvania Supreme Court has recently ruled that all Dutch Blitz players in the region must sport full body armour from now on. “This is for your own good. It’s for your own protection,” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Politician Pushes for $0.15 Minimum Wage

June 3, 2017 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Local Mennonite MPP Allan Schultz is calling for the Ontario government to set the minimum wage at 15 cents an hour, a rate he claims is a lot more than he “got for […]

Unger & Thirst

Justin Trudeau to Legalize Rhubarb Platz

May 31, 2017 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON After decades of pressure from platz-users across Canada, the Trudeau government has announced it will introduce legislation to regulate and sell rhubarb platz by the end of the year. “This is a great […]

Unger Suspicion

Manitoba Government Introduces Strict ‘No Kill’ Policy for Mosquitos

May 28, 2017 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB On Friday afternoon, the Manitoba government announced a new initiative that seeks to address the growing mosquito population by employing hundreds of conservation officers in a new humane ‘catch and release’ program. “Here in Manitoba, we’re […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Arrested for ‘Baptizing Under the Influence’

May 2, 2017 Andrew

STEINREICH, MB A local Mennonite pastor was arrested this past weekend for allegedly baptizing more than half a dozen people while in a state of mild intoxication. “Here in Manitoba we have a zero tolerance […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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