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dutch blitz

The Daily Bonnet

Lancaster Hospital Opens New Wing to Deal with Dutch Blitz Injuries

July 17, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA The Central Mennonite Hospital in Lancaster, Pennsylvania is planning to open an $80 million wing dedicated to treating Dutch Blitz injuries. “After thousands of injuries in the past few years, and even a few […]

The Daily Bonnet

Dutch Blitz Players Now Required to Wear Full Body Armour

June 13, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA The Pennsylvania Supreme Court has recently ruled that all Dutch Blitz players in the region must sport full body armour from now on. “This is for your own good. It’s for your own protection,” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Dutch Blitz Tournament Results in Hundreds of Casualties

April 20, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA More than three-hundred serious injuries and five fatalities were reported at this year’s Lancaster Senior’s Dutch Blitz tournament. Event organizers, however, say that the results are “typical.” “This is just as we expected. […]

The Daily Bonnet

A Mennonite Guide to Card Games – Ranked in Order of Sinfulness

November 15, 2016 Andrew

In an effort to add some clarity to a topic that has baffled Mennonites for centuries, the Daily Bonnet has devised a handy ranking of the relative evilness of particular card games. In descending order, the […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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