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crime

Unger & Thirst

Municipality Approves the Sale of Hash Brownies at Church Bake Sales

November 9, 2017 Andrew

SCHANZENSCHANTZ, MB The Rural Municipality of Schanzenschantz Manitoba voted last week to approve the sale of hashish brownies at church bake sales in the area. The vote came after the Province announced full control of […]

Unger & Thirst

Death Row Inmate Requests Mennonite Food for Last Meal

October 26, 2017 Andrew

HUNTSVILLE, TX A death row inmate, set for execution by electric chair this week, has requested a hearty Mennonite meal of vereneki, schmaunt fat, formavorscht, buttasup and an entire tray of rhubarb platz for his […]

The Daily Bonnet

Police Seize Massive Stockpile of Knitted Hangers

October 5, 2017 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Seven Mennonite grandmas from Altona were taken into custody by authorities this Monday after a massive stash of knitted hangers was discovered in the lobby of the local MB church. It was the […]

Unger Suspicion

Gangs of Nudists Swarm Winkler

September 5, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Inspired by a recent high-profile nearly-nude shopping trip at the local 7-11, swarms of nudists have taken to the streets of Winkler to express their free-spirited ways. “For decades I thought Morden was […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Deacon Arrested for Manspreading Across Entire Church Pew

August 24, 2017 Andrew

KIDRON, OH Mennonite deacon Delbert Nussbaum, 81, was taken into custody by Kidron Police this past Sunday after churchgoers complained that the elderly man had manspread across an entire pew during the morning’s service. “What […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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