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crime

The Daily Bonnet

Police Raid Mennonite Gambling Den, Seize Hundreds of Rook Cards

January 29, 2018 Andrew

WICHITA, KS Wichita police stormed a notorious local gambling den this week, arresting more than two dozen Mennonites and seizing countless decks of Rook cards. The raid is the largest bust of Mennonite gamblers since […]

Unger Suspicion

Volkswagen Offers Customers Financial Compensation for the Embarrassment of Driving a Volkswagen

January 3, 2018 Andrew

WOLFSBURG, GERMANY After executive Oliver Schmidt was sentenced to seven years in prison for the Volkswagen emissions scandal, the German automaker is now offering embarrassed customers financial compensation for the “utter humiliation of having to […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor’s Peace Sermon Sparks Riot

November 14, 2017 Andrew

WATERLOO, ON Thirty people were hospitalized and there was an estimated $12 million in property damage after Reverend Hershberger preached a twenty minute sermon on the topic of peace this past Sunday. The sermon entitled, […]

Unger & Thirst

Municipality Approves the Sale of Hash Brownies at Church Bake Sales

November 9, 2017 Andrew

SCHANZENSCHANTZ, MB The Rural Municipality of Schanzenschantz Manitoba voted last week to approve the sale of hashish brownies at church bake sales in the area. The vote came after the Province announced full control of […]

Unger & Thirst

Death Row Inmate Requests Mennonite Food for Last Meal

October 26, 2017 Andrew

HUNTSVILLE, TX A death row inmate, set for execution by electric chair this week, has requested a hearty Mennonite meal of vereneki, schmaunt fat, formavorscht, buttasup and an entire tray of rhubarb platz for his […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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