Senator Joseph McCarthy Purchases Majority Share in CNN


More than sixty years after leading the nation in mass anti-Russian hysteria, Senator Joseph McCarthy, long thought to be deceased, is back and heading up CNN.

“I wasn’t dead, I was just in hiding all these years,” said McCarthy from his Atlanta mansion. “I figured now was the time to come out and see how many secret Russians I could nail. Ever eaten a bowl of borscht? We’re coming for you!”

McCarthy plans to round up as many closet and/or secret Russians as he can find and punish them by making them appear on a CNN panel.

“Twenty minutes of Establishment Democrats yelling at you at the top of their lungs is more punishment than most people can handle,” said McCarthy. “Quite frankly I can hardly sit through more than thirty seconds of it.”

McCarthy says he was attracted to CNN because of their reputation for top notch journalism.

“I was especially impressed with their 24 hours nonstop coverage of important issues like Facebook memes,” said McCarthy. “The memes are coming! The memes are coming! Look out!”

The aging senator says he plans to call President Trump to testify in his new McCarthy trials, but Trump still insists he has no ties to Russia. When asked whether he was planning to meet with Joseph McCarthy, Trump simply replied “nyet.”

(McCarthy photo credit: Wisconsin Historical Society/CC/modified)

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