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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Lady to Spend the Evening Reading Amish Romance Books

February 14, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local spinster Annie Goertzen, 51, will spend a romantic evening alone tonight snuggling up on her sofa with a glass of dealcoholized wine, half a Toblerlone bar, and an Amish romance book. “These […]

Unger Suspicion

Larry Norman Updates Song: “Why Doesn’t the Devil Have Any Good Music?”

February 12, 2017 Andrew

LOS ANGELES, CA In 1972, pioneering Christian rock artist Larry Norman posed the question: “Why Should the Devil Have All the Good Music?” After viewing the abysmal state of contemporary music at the 2017 Grammy […]

The Daily Bonnet

Body Odour to be Bottled and Sold as ‘Eau de Menno’ Cologne

February 12, 2017 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON The body odour of dozens of hard-working Mennonite men has been extracted using a special process and been used to create a brand new cologne, which will be marketed and sold as Eau […]

The Daily Bonnet

Single Uncle Elmer Refuses to Date Women Who Wear Pants

February 11, 2017 Andrew

NEWTON, KS Uncle Elmer Jansen, 71, has been single his whole life for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is his absolute refusal to date women who wear pants or “Satan’s slacks” […]

Unger Suspicion

Brad Wall Wins Award as Canada’s ‘Best Mennonite Premier’

February 10, 2017 Andrew

REGINA, SK The competition was fierce this year at the annual Mennonite Premiers Competition, but when the final scores were tallied, Saskatchewan’s Brad Wall was declared the winner. “Basically we put the Premiers through a […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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