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The Daily Bonnet

With the Kids at Grandma’s Tonight, Mennonite Couple Finally Gets a Chance to Play Scrabble

February 14, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Mennonite couples across southern Manitoba are planning to celebrate Valentine’s Day the only way they know how: by playing Scrabble. “It’ll be nice to have some time to ourselves for once. We’ve sent […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Lady to Spend the Evening Reading Amish Romance Books

February 14, 2017 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local spinster Annie Goertzen, 51, will spend a romantic evening alone tonight snuggling up on her sofa with a glass of dealcoholized wine, half a Toblerlone bar, and an Amish romance book. “These […]

Unger Suspicion

Larry Norman Updates Song: “Why Doesn’t the Devil Have Any Good Music?”

February 12, 2017 Andrew

LOS ANGELES, CA In 1972, pioneering Christian rock artist Larry Norman posed the question: “Why Should the Devil Have All the Good Music?” After viewing the abysmal state of contemporary music at the 2017 Grammy […]

The Daily Bonnet

Body Odour to be Bottled and Sold as ‘Eau de Menno’ Cologne

February 12, 2017 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON The body odour of dozens of hard-working Mennonite men has been extracted using a special process and been used to create a brand new cologne, which will be marketed and sold as Eau […]

The Daily Bonnet

Single Uncle Elmer Refuses to Date Women Who Wear Pants

February 11, 2017 Andrew

NEWTON, KS Uncle Elmer Jansen, 71, has been single his whole life for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is his absolute refusal to date women who wear pants or “Satan’s slacks” […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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