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Unger Conviction

Area Church Declared “Apostate” for Not Being Big Enough Jerks

June 3, 2022 Andrew

GRUENHIMMELSCHANTZ, SK One local church has come under intense scrutiny, as of late, for being “insufficiently jerkish” for the rest of the churches in the area. “They’re apostates. We can no longer fellowship with folks […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Family Excommunicated for Living in Temperate Climate

June 2, 2022 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Area man Pete Unger and the rest of his family has been sentenced to ten years shovelling the church parking lot after it was discovered they spent the entire winter in Phoenix, Arizona […]

Unger Suspicion

Jury Finds Johnny Depp Guilty of Having Better Lawyers

June 1, 2022 Andrew

FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA Seven jurors have found actor Johnny Depp guilty of having, “like, way better lawyers than Amber Heard.” In a historic decision, the jury ruled that there was absolutely no evidence that “Amber […]

Unger & Thirst

Man Disguised as Mennonite Woman Smears Schmaunt Fat on Mona Lisa

May 31, 2022 Andrew

PARIS, FRANCE The world’s most famous painting was defiled this afternoon with a delicious white cream gravy known to Mennonites as “schmaunt fat.” “I don’t really think of it as defilement really,” said head of […]

The Daily Bonnet

Hopes of McDonald’s Dashed as Mennonite Children Told “We Have Perfectly Good Food at Home!”

May 30, 2022 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON The Hildebrandt family drove into the big city of Leamington this weekend to pick up a truck load of items at the local Walmart. Hopes of stopping for Happy Meals were quickly dashed, […]

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