MILAN, ITALY
After a thorough investigation, researches have finally uncovered the reason why so many Olympic medals were found to be broken this weekend: Mrs. Esther Brandt of Rosenort.
“She was going around and making all the winners split their medals into equal pieces to share with their bothers and sisters,” said Milan police officer Sofia Ferrari. “I tried to explain that that wasn’t how it worked around here, but she was very persistent.”
Mrs. Brandt travelled to the Olympics with the express purpose of making sure everyone shared.
“One of you can split the medal and the other gets to pick which piece they want,” said Mrs. Brandt. “Fair is fair.”
The athletes were initially hesitant to destroy their medals, but eventually warmed up to the idea.
“She gave us each a freshly-rinsed ice cream pail to store all our medal pieces,” said Canadian medalist Megan Oldham. “That’s going to look mighty fine sitting in my trophy case at home.”
Upon hearing about Mrs. Brandt’s plan, the White House issued a memo demanding that each medalists promptly make their way to the post office and mail US President Donald Trump a piece of their medals, too.
(photo credit: Republic of Korea/CC)
