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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Thousands Line Up for CMU’s Annual Farmer Sausage Blowout

April 27, 2023 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB The lineup at CommonWord stretched more than three miles down Shaftesbury Blvd. this week for CMU’s annual farmer sausage sale. “We’re Canadian Mennonite University’s bookstore and resource centre so naturally we have a […]

Unger & Thirst

Béchamel Sauce Revealed to be Nothing More than Schmaunt Fat

April 21, 2023 Andrew

PARIS, FRANCE The white roux known as béchamel sauce has been revealed to be nothing more than the Russian Mennonite peasant dish known as schmaunt fat. The revelation sent shockwaves across the haute cuisine community. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Suspected in $20 Million Golden Syrup Heist at Pearson Airport

April 20, 2023 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Close to $20 million worth of Rogers Golden Syrup and other valuables were stolen at Pearson Airport in Toronto this morning and police are already on the lookout for various Friesens, Reimer, and […]

Unger & Thirst

Delicious Beet Borscht Used to Melt Ice All Over Manitoba

April 11, 2023 Andrew

VITA, MB As temperatures rise and roads are looking treacherous, it appears that soup has come to the rescue, as dozens of ice cream pails of Baba’s delicious beet borscht are being ladled onto provincial […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man to Start Drinking Bud Light Just So He Has Something to Boycott

April 7, 2023 Andrew

SCHANZENBERG, MB After Bud Light apparently went “woke” this week, conservative country singers are urging folks to join them in a boycott of the brewing company. This came as a great disappointment for Mr. Dave […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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