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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Man’s Face Left in Permanent Pucker After Rhubarb Platz-Eating Contest

June 5, 2016 Andrew

GRETNA, MB After eating 37 pieces of intensely sour rhubarb platz, local man Cornelius Thiessen has been hospitalized with what doctors are describing as “irreversible damage to his facial structure.” The contest is an annual […]

Unger & Thirst

Steinbach Residents to Vote on Whether to Acknowledge Each Other in the Liquor Store

May 31, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For decades, the Mennonite town of Steinbach, Manitoba was officially dry. No liquor could be bought or sold anywhere in the region. Since then, a number of referendums have taken place that have […]

Unger & Thirst

Descendants of Penner Foods Employees to Gather in Steinbach

May 28, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB According to local historian Johan R. Vogt, the romantic relationships established at Penner Foods during the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s have resulted in over 100,000 children. Penner’s Children, as they call themselves, […]

Unger & Thirst

Altona Has Record Dandelion Wine Harvest This Year

May 25, 2016 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Wine lovers in southern Manitoba are optimistic about this year’s dandelion crop. Neil Plett, longtime sommelier at Oma’s Basement Bun Shop in Altona, believes Harvest 2016 will be one of the best in decades. […]

Unger & Thirst

Climate Scientists Predict Global Shortage of Schmaunt Fat

May 16, 2016 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Climate scientists in southern Ontario predict that, due to increasing temperatures, by the year 2030, there will be a global shortage of schmaunt fat. The white cream gravy has been a staple of […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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