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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Hipsters Flock to Rural Manitoba to Take Selfies with Knackzoat

August 8, 2018 Andrew

ALTONA, MB After being warned to stay away from the sunflower plants, thousands of Winnipeg hipsters have descended upon corner stores and gas stations across southern Manitoba to have their pictures taken next to bags […]

Unger & Thirst

Man 3-D Prints Every Recipe in the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook

July 31, 2018 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Days after the 3-D printing of Mennonite recipes was legalized by the Supreme Court, Mr. Klassen of Abbotsford successfully printed every single recipe in the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook and promptly divorced his wife […]

Unger & Thirst

How to Measure Your BMI (Body Mennonite Index)

July 29, 2018 Andrew

The body mass index is used to measure a person’s relative health based on their weight and height. Unfortunately, the traditional BMI does not work for Mennonites. Instead, Mennonite doctors recommend that you use the […]

Unger & Thirst

Unsure if New Church Friend’s a Teetotaler, Mennonite Woman Invites Her for ‘Coffee’

July 22, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Miss Liz Bergen, 29, had initially thought of asking her new friend Ashley from church to meet her at Sawney Bean’s pub for a pint of Guinness, but decided to play it safe […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Compete to See Who Can Cook the Blandest Least Spicy Chili

July 22, 2018 Andrew

LEAMINGTON, ON Mennonites across southern Ontario have gathered in Leamington this week for the annual MB-GC Chili Cook-Off. Returning to the competition is last year’s champion Mrs. Lehman of St. Jacob’s whose extra-bland zero-pepper chili […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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