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Unger Conviction

Unger Conviction

Streets are So Empty that Mennonite Man Thinks He Missed the Rapture

April 10, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Local man Mr. Loewen, 73, went for a Good Friday walk on Main Street Steinbach this afternoon and was suddenly struck with the greatest worry of his life. “Waut de schissjat? There isn’t […]

Unger Conviction

Trudeau to Mennonite Pastors: ‘Stop Speaking So Moistly’

April 8, 2020 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Finally somebody said it. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters today what those of us in the first few rows at church have always been thinking, “Dear Pastor Dave, please stop speaking […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Man Super Excited that He Can Finally Attend Church in His Undies

March 29, 2020 Andrew

OMAHA, NE Mr. Janzen, 43, of Omaha is quickly becoming a regular church attender now that he doesn’t even have to get out of bed and take a shower in order to attend. “Ahh, this […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Allows Dancing Now that Everyone Has to Keep Six Feet Apart

March 25, 2020 Andrew

SWIFT CURRENT, SK Given the circumstances, even the strictest Mennonite churches have decided to relax the rules when it comes to dancing. Pastor Tom has decreed that since everyone has to keep six feet apart […]

Unger Conviction

Guilt Levels Reach Record Lows as Mennonites Stay Home on Sundays

March 24, 2020 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Mennonites around the globe were feeling a lot more chill about their behaviour than normal after not attending church services the past couple weeks. “It’s strange. I feel kind of free, you […]

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