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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Electoral College Declares the West Side ‘Jantsied’

December 19, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Despite overwhelming popular vote suggesting that the East Side was Jantsied, the Mennonite electoral colleges have decided that the West Side of the Red River is officially ‘Jantsied.’ “Some will say it’s not very […]

The Daily Bonnet

Corny Rempel Becomes World’s First Menno Simons Impersonator

December 19, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Local Elvis Presley tribute artist Corny Rempel has expanded his repetoire to include Johnny Cash and now, it seems, he’s taking his talent for mimicry even further with an uncanny Menno Simons impersonation. “People […]

The Daily Bonnet

Winter Fashion Forecast: Long Johns All the Rage This Year

December 18, 2016 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Fashion industry insiders are predicting a surge in the sale of long underwear this winter. There was a time when this garment, “long johns” as they are sometimes called by Canadians and/or Mennonites, […]

Unger Conviction

Colicky Baby Jesus Completely Ruins Living Nativity

December 18, 2016 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB The annual living nativity was brought to a standstill last night after the young infant playing baby Jesus just didn’t stop crying. The incessant crying was so disruptive that the braying donkeys could scarcely […]

Unger & Thirst

New Improved Gnurpel Now ‘Extra Chewy’

December 17, 2016 Andrew

VANDERHOOF, BC For Mennonites who prefer to chew on cartilage rather than eat actual meat, Epp Family Meats’ new improved gnurpel offers an extra chewy experience. “We’ve been breeding our chicken, cattle and pigs to be extra […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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