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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Plautdietsch Classified as an ‘Endangered Species’ in Steinbach

November 9, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB As Steinbach has grown, it has become more diverse, and some might even say, “metropolitan.” Long gone are the days when elderly Mennonite men would greet young women at the Clearspring Mall with, “Hia es […]

The Daily Bonnet

Completely Exhausted With Politics, Mennonites Return to Their Farms

November 9, 2016 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN After a totally exhausting Presidential election campaign, millions of Mennonites across America are returning to their farms, claiming they are “done with politics, like, forever.” “I’m plum tuckered out,” said Henry Willems, shovelling cow […]

The Daily Bonnet

Early Results Show Mennonite Pastor in Commanding Lead

November 8, 2016 Andrew

DAYTON, VA After just seventeen votes counted, CNN reports that Reverend Johan Wisler has a commanding lead for Presidency of the United States. “This is a complete shocker,” said CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Based on these […]

Unger Suspicion

Voters Head to the Polls to Select the 45th Lesser Evil of the United States

November 8, 2016 Andrew

PARIS, TX In a potentially historic election, American voters will head to the polls today to select the new Lesser Evil of the United States. “I’m confused,” said local rancher and undecided voter Dwight Owens, 37, of […]

The Daily Bonnet

Landmark, Manitoba to Run Out of Pletts By the Year 2020

November 7, 2016 Andrew

LANDMARK, MB Due to lower birth rates and immigration from non-Mennonite sources, the small town of Landmark, Manitoba, once known for its abundance of Pletts, is on pace to be completely Plett-free by the year […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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