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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Unseasonable Warmth Has Mennonites Flocking to the Pits

January 26, 2020 Andrew

HOCHSTEIN, MB As temperatures have risen well above freezing this week, Mennonites across southern Manitoba have been flocking to the local gravel pits for a swim. “Kjnels, don’t forget the zoat!” yelled Jakob Krahn, as […]

Unger Suspicion

Harry and Meghan Spotted at Hutterite Colony

January 25, 2020 Andrew

ELK RIDGE COLONY, AB Megxit has taken a new turn this week after Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, were spotted plucking turkeys at a local Hutterite colony. “Meghan caught on really fast,” said […]

Unger Suspicion

Man Who Desperately Needs Life Coach to Become Life Coach

January 24, 2020 Andrew

AKRON, PA Local man Dwayne Funk, 41, who has spent the last 20 years of adult life doing absolutely nothing of worth and whose life is still, to this day, just barely hanging on by […]

Unger & Thirst

Wine Found in Mennonite Woman’s Cupboard “Just for Cooking” She Claims

January 23, 2020 Andrew

HILLSBORO, KS Mrs. Warkentin had some explaining to do after a lovely bottle of Stag’s Leap Cab Sauv was discovered tucked away in the back of kitchen cupboards. “It’s very suspicious. It was in behind […]

Unger & Thirst

Area Man Receives a Bag of Ten Thousand Villages Coffee from Every Single Guest at His Birthday Party

January 22, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Literally every single guest at Mr. Reimer’s 53rd birthday party this week gave him a bag of Ten Thousand Villages fair trade coffee. “That man is impossible to shop for. I wracked my […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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