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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Area Man Receives a Bag of Ten Thousand Villages Coffee from Every Single Guest at His Birthday Party

January 22, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Literally every single guest at Mr. Reimer’s 53rd birthday party this week gave him a bag of Ten Thousand Villages fair trade coffee. “That man is impossible to shop for. I wracked my […]

Unger Suspicion

Angry Mob Demands that Trudeau Subsist Entirely on Timbits

January 21, 2020 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Typical Canada. Donuts made headlines across the nation today. “We interrupt our coverage of various real tragedies and important situations around the globe to bring you this important news about donuts!” Thousands of […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Shunned for Not Making Her Own Crusts

January 21, 2020 Andrew

WATERLOO, ON Mrs. Eby is facing intense scrutiny this week after it was revealed she hasn’t made her own crust since 1987. “Ach, why bother making a crust from scratch when you can buy a […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Denies Rumour that She and Corny are “More than Just Cousins”

January 20, 2020 Andrew

OSTERWICK, MB After Mary Toews and her cousin Corny were seen spending an awful lot of time together at the church faspa on Sunday, rumours are starting to spread that they are “more than just […]

Unger Suspicion

Generous Jeff Bezos Donates Two Thimbles and a Couple Spools of Thread to Mennonite Quilt Charity

January 19, 2020 Andrew

SEATTLE, WA Already hailed as the “world’s most generous billionaire” after donating the equivalent to what he earns in five minutes to help with Australian wildfires, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has now donated two thimbles […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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