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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Being Extra Careful These Days

March 13, 2020 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC The Abbotsford Men’s Crokinole League is taking extra precautions these days and has implemented a league-wide policy requiring knipsers to wrap their knipsing fingers in plastic bags. “We are taking every measure to […]

Unger Games

XFL to Play in Front of Empty Stadiums Just Like Normal

March 12, 2020 Andrew

SEATTLE, WA It’s business as usual for the only sports league left playing these days, the XFL. As per usual, the league will play in near empty 60,000 seat stadiums for the remainder of the […]

Unger Conviction

First Mennonite Church Shall Become Last

March 11, 2020 Andrew

ROSENHOF, MB In an effort to appear more humble the First Mennonite Church of Rosenhof is changing its name to the Last Mennonite Church of Rosenhof. “We’re proud of how humble we are,” said Pastor […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local Man Selling Hand Sanitizer for $80 a Squirt

March 10, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After snagging the last remaining bottles of hand sanitizer in Steinbach, local man Mr. Dueck is now standing on the corner of Main and Reimer asking for eighty bucks a squirt. “The response […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Sets Record By Standing Up and Sitting Down 600 Times in a Single Service

March 9, 2020 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN The East Side Mountain Lake Mennonite Church set a world record this Sunday after Pastor Ron had the congregation stand up, sit down, and stand up again 606 times in a single […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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