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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Single Piece of Juicy Fruit Lasts a Record Three Minutes

February 3, 2021 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC Mrs. Froese of Chilliwack has set a new world record by managing to squeeze a full three minutes of flavour from one piece of Juicy Fruit gum. “It’s got that sweet fruity blast […]

Unger Suspicion

The GameStop Frenzy Explained for Mennonites (Using an Easy to Understand Zoat Analogy)

February 1, 2021 Andrew

Everybody’s been talking about GameStop this and GameStop that. Shorting stocks and hedge funds. And Reddit? Oba! But what does it all mean yet? Well thankfully we’ve got Kjnels Reima, Kleine Gemeinde church treasurer, to […]

Quizzes

Can You Identify These Mennonite Cities from Aerial Photos?

January 31, 2021 Andrew

When your dead relatives look down at you and shake their heads at all your secret bad deeds, well, just what vantage point are they looking from anyway? How much can they really see? We […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Hedge Funds Shorting Stock at Quilt Auction

January 29, 2021 Andrew

BUCKS COUNTY, PA Mennonite quilt stocks have been soaring this week after a group of Mennonites on Reddit decided to bankrupt the billionaire Mennonite church elders who’d been shorting the precious quilt stock. “Honestly, I […]

The Daily Bonnet

No One Elected to Baseball Hall of Fame Except for this One Mennonite Dude from Rosenhof

January 28, 2021 Andrew

COOPERSTOWN, NY Move over Curt Schilling. For the second time in the last ten years, the Baseball Hall of Fame has decided that absolutely no one except for a Warkentin from Rosenhof was worthy of induction. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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