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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Tim Hortons Collaborates with Gordon Lightfoot for New ‘Gordon Bits’

December 22, 2021 Andrew

HAMILTON, ON Fresh off the heals of their Justin Bieber collaboration, donut manufacturer Tim Hortons has decided to make sweet tasty balls with the second most legendary Canadian musician they could find, Gordon Lightfoot. “I […]

Unger Conviction

Winkler Megamart to Become One Massive Shed Church

December 21, 2021 Andrew

WINKLER, MB After making absolutely zero effort to enforce provincial health restrictions, a local megamart has decided to transform the store into “one of them shed churches I heard so much about.” “We ain’t got […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Couple Prefers to be Three Hours Early Rather than Three Minutes Late

December 20, 2021 Andrew

ALTONA, MB The Schellenbergs of Landmark set off on a journey to Altona this weekend to visit the Wiebes and naturally they decided to be a full three hours early. “It’s an hour’s drive and we […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local Woman Wears Face Mask Just to Keep Warm

December 19, 2021 Andrew

SASKATOON, SK Local woman Rachel Driedger, 23, doesn’t bother to take her face mask off, even when she’s outdoors, not with temperatures dropping to -20 this week. “It’s better than a scarf,” says Driedger. “I […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Family Invites ‘Oma Krahn’ to Christmas Gathering

December 18, 2021 Andrew

SCHANZENGRUENBACH, SK The Epp family of Schanzengruenbach have extended a warm Schanzengruenbach welcome to special guest Oma Krahn this weekend. “Ah, Oma Krahn, welcome, welcome, I see you’ve brought along the bean salad,” said Mr. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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