Area Church Declared “Apostate” for Not Being Big Enough Jerks


One local church has come under intense scrutiny, as of late, for being “insufficiently jerkish” for the rest of the churches in the area.

“They’re apostates. We can no longer fellowship with folks who don’t take being a jerk as seriously as we do,” said Pastor Dave of the Gruenhimmelschantz Ecumenical Council. “Plus their exegesis is all wrong. In our view, all scripture must be interpreted in the most jerkish way possible.”

According to Pastor Dave, any passages on love must be interpreted as “not really literal,” whereas anything about judgementalism and condemnation must be interpreted “in the most jerkish literal way we possibly can.”

“That’s how I learned to read the Bible back in seminary anyways,” said Pastor Dave. “Not that I attended seminary. Ach, education about the Bible? That’s far too worldly for me.”

Pastor Dave says his Ecumenical Council will no longer focus on, like, actually being ecumenical and instead on making sure everyone has strict unthinking adherence to exactly the same theology that he does.

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