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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Local Gas Station to Offer Free Eye-Gouging or Kick in the Groin with Every Purchase

September 26, 2022 Andrew

VANCOUVER, BC Gas stations across Vancouver are going the extra mile this week by providing each paying customer with a complimentary eye-gouging or kick in the groin. “We’re trying to stand out from the crowd […]

Unger & Thirst

Daring Mennonite Couple to Try Costco Farmer Sausage

September 25, 2022 Andrew

VANAPAG, MB This evening at faspa, the Wiebes of Vankla will be the first ever southern Manitobans to eat the farmer sausage that, apparently, you can get at Costco. “Costco formarvorscht? I didn’t even know […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Woman Accidentally Reads Men’s Study Bible

September 24, 2022 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC Mrs. Neufeld from over in Chilliwack caused quite the stir at the 1st Chilliwack MCBC church this week after showing up sporting a loud purple blouse and a men’s study Bible. “Well I […]

Unger Games

Toronto Couple Sells Small Empty Lot to Buy 40% Stake in the Maple Leafs

September 23, 2022 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Toronto school teachers, Pamela and Andrew Doerksen, have just sold a small empty Danforth lot for $990 million and used the money to buy, like, 40% of the Toronto Maple Leafs. “I had […]

The Daily Bonnet

Winkler to Implement New ‘ArriveVankla’ App

September 22, 2022 Andrew

VANKLA, MB Just as the federal government is set to scrap the glitchy ArriveCan app, the city of Winkler has decided to add a new “ArriveVankla” app for all visitors from Jantsied or Morden yet […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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