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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Just Realized that the Last Day of 2023 Will be ‘Eent Twee Dree Eent Twee Dree’

December 30, 2023 Andrew

SPANISH LOOKOUT, BELIZE Mennonites across the Internet were amazed this week when it dawned on them, via various memes, that the last day of 2023 will be eent twee dree eent twee dree. “Jauma, I […]

Unger & Thirst

New Law Requires Fruitcake to Come with List of All Previous Owners

December 29, 2023 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC A court in the Fraser Valley has just ruled that any gifting or sale of fruitcake must come with a complete list of previous owners. “When it comes to fruitcake,” said Judge Kroeker, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Stage Production of ‘The Nutcracker’ Without All the Dancing

December 28, 2023 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB In what has been praised as the “most innovative” ballet production in almost a century, the Mennonite Nutcracker wowed a packed house in a North Kildonan EMB church basement this week. “I’ve never […]

Unger Suspicion

Counting Crows Launch New Fragrance ‘The Smell of Hospitals in Winter’

December 27, 2023 Andrew

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 90s rockers Counting Crows have finally released a fragrance befitting their 1996 hit song “A Long December.” “For almost 30 years, our fans have wondered about the ‘smell of hospitals in winter’ […]

Unger Suspicion

Amish Village Wows Guests with Annual Christmas Light Display

December 26, 2023 Andrew

INTERCOURSE, PA Thousands of visitors flocked to Intercourse this week to witness the most magical display of Christmas lights ever seen in an Amish village. “I think the Kauffmans lit a candle this year,” said […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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