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Month: May 2026

The Daily Bonnet

Nationwide Cottage Cheese Shortage Causes Mennonites to Compromise Cherished Values for First Time Ever

May 9, 2026 Andrew

ALTONA, MB After five centuries of never once compromising their cherished Anabaptist values, Mennonites across Canada are forced to confront the most pressing ethical dilemma in their history – what to do in the face […]

Unger the Influence

Webster’s Dictionary Redefines “Ceasefire” as “Active Battle”

May 8, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC A request from the Ministry of Truth in Washington has pressured Webster’s Dictionary to redefine “ceasefire” as “all out warfare.” “Too many people were under the false impression that ceasefire means you actually […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Doesn’t Have Enough Space on Census Form to List All His Kids

May 7, 2026 Andrew

AYLMER, ON Area man Johan Dyck ran out of space on his census form this week after being asked to list all 31 children. “I got Mary, Isaac, Peter, Susie, Abe, David, Heinrich, Anne, Ruth, […]

Unger Games

Tariffs Move Leafs’ Pick from First to Sixty-Seventh

May 6, 2026 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs were all excited about their victory in the NHL draft lottery this afternoon until they discovered they’d actually be picking 67th due to tariffs. “Ah, shoot,” said […]

Unger the Influence

Man Who Aced Cognitive Test Can’t Tell Jesus From a Doctor

May 5, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC A man who routinely brags about the cognitive test he aced apparently cannot tell the difference between images of himself dressed as Jesus and a doctor. “It was a very hard test. No […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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