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Month: February 2020

Unger Suspicion

Joel Osteen Releases New ‘Red Letter Edition’ of His Latest Book

February 24, 2020 Andrew

GRAND RAPIDS, MI In many Bibles, red letters denote the words of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Now, however, they’ll be used to denote the words of inexplicably popular Texas preacher Joel Osteen, who has decided to […]

Unger & Thirst

‘Soup and Pie Fundraiser’ Raises Millions and Millions of Dollars

February 23, 2020 Andrew

SOUTH BLUMENORT, MB Literally millions of dollars in dimes and quarters were raised at a soup and pie fundraiser in South Blumenort this past week. The unexpected success all seems to be related to Mrs. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Receives Most Romantic Birthday Present Ever!

February 22, 2020 Andrew

ALLENTOWN, PA After receiving nothing but kitchen utensils year after year, Mrs. Miller decided she’d hint to her husband that she wanted something a bit more romantic for her 45th birthday this year. “And, boy, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Ten ‘Nah Yos’ Required to Extricate Mennonite Man from Conversation

February 21, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Mr. Bergen was eager to get home and watch the last period of the Jats game after Bible study this week, but, no matter how many times he said “nah yo, dan,” he […]

The Daily Bonnet

Intercourse, Pennsylvania to be Renamed Abstinence, Pennsylvania

February 20, 2020 Andrew

ABSTINENCE, PA The tiny Mennonite village of Intercourse, Pennsylvania has had a wildly inappropriate name for quite some time now and area residents are finally ready for a change. “People are coming here for all […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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