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Month: June 2019

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Scores Historic Victory on ‘Jeopardy!’

June 5, 2019 Andrew

CULVER CITY, CA Mrs. Lina Dueck, 31, outwitted Abe Hiebert this past week, ending Abe’s reign of more than 30 games to become the new Jeopardy! champion. “He made a risky gamble on that hog […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Does ‘The Dab’ During Responsive Reading

June 4, 2019 Andrew

ELKHART, IN Pastor Hoffstetter thoroughly embarrassed his teenage children this week after doing ‘the dab’ during Sunday morning’s responsive reading. “I just wanted to lighten the mood a little,” explained Hoffstetter. “Sometimes the readings are […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Accidentally Speaks Plautdietsch Outside the Barn

June 3, 2019 Andrew

GRUENFELD, MB Mr. Johan Pauls was rapt in conversation with his shekbenjel Charlie Wiens when they absent-mindedly wandered outside the hog barn and were heard speaking Plautdietsch all over the yard. Gruenfeld Police were immediately […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Sucks Down Fifty Sugar Cubes During Funeral Reception

June 2, 2019 Andrew

REINFELD, MB Mr. Buhler, 71, set a new Mennonite record after consuming more than fifty sugar cubes dipped in coffee at the funeral reception of Mr. Kehler. “You should have seen that man. Sugar cube […]

Unger Suspicion

Vinegar Feeling ‘Severely Neglected’ as Jason Kenney Spends All His Time on Oil

June 1, 2019 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Representatives from the vinegar industry are feeling pretty darn neglected as Alberta Premier Jason Kenney seems to be spending all his time defending oil. “He’s just oil this and oil that. I get […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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