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Month: May 2017

The Daily Bonnet

The Most Effective Mennonite Pick-Up Lines

May 6, 2017 Andrew

The Daily Bonnet sent out a team of single people (spinsters, grumpy old men, young people being pressured by their frintschoft to ‘get married already’, etc.) to try out their best pick-up lines. Their effectiveness […]

Unger & Thirst

Knackzoat Found in Last Summer’s Jean Shorts “Still Perfectly Edible” Says Local Man

May 5, 2017 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Local man Ernie Toews, 75, considered himself the “luckiest man in Altona” this past Saturday after he slid into a pair of old cut-off jean shorts that he hadn’t worn since last summer […]

The Daily Bonnet

Cruisers to Have Exclusive Access to Steinbach Main Street on Friday Nights

May 5, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Starting this weekend, cruisers will be given exclusive rights to make use of Steinbach’s Main Street on Friday nights from 6 pm to 3 am, “for whatever purposes they may require.” “It’s just […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Pastor Earns $400,000 for Wall Street Sermon

May 4, 2017 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY Retired Mennonite pastor Dave Froese of Alt-Bergfeld EMB just raked in more than $400,000 for an hour-long sermon on Ephesians 6 he gave at a meeting of Wall Street bankers. However, the […]

The Daily Bonnet

New Regulations Force Female Crokinole Players to Wear Short Skirts

May 4, 2017 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON In an effort to draw viewers away from tennis, the International Crokinole Federation (ICF) has recently announced that it will now be requiring all ladies knipsbrat players to wear skirts “above the knee.” “If professional […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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