Thousands of Mennonites Barely Clinging to Life During Rogers Golden Syrup Shortage


Thousands of Mennonites have been placed in Intensive Care units this summer after a shortage of Rogers Golden Syrup has left them without the necessary sustenance for life.

“My Henry’s a fighter, but I’m just not sure how much longer he can last,” said Mrs. Fehr. “The only good thing about this Golden Syrup shortage is that he can spend time with his cousins…they’re all here in the hospital, too.”

Some Mennonites have tried to use other sweetener for their roll kuchen, but this has not been sufficient to stave off the crisis.

“You can’t just go out and buy any old corn syrup or something,” said Mrs. Fehr. “My Henry needs a good half gallon of Rogers Golden every morning or he starts to fade.”

Medical technology is keeping thousands of Mennonites alive during the shortage, but it is costing the Canadian health care system millions of dollars.

“We’ve gotta get Rogers Golden Syrup flowing again,” said Prime Minister Trudeau. “This shortage has really put a damper on Mennonite Heritage Week celebrations.”

The Golden Syrup shortage is considered the greatest threat to Canadian Mennonites since the Welch’s Grape Juice crisis of 1963.

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