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pacifism

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Gather Today to Solemnly Forget

November 11, 2016 Andrew

WINKLER, MB During his annual Forgetfulness Day service, Reverend B. B. Broesky Jr. told congregants that there were many awful thing that happened in the past and it was best just to move on and […]

Unger Suspicion

We Have Now Officially Entered a Peculiar Alternate Universe Where Mel Gibson Makes Movies About Conscientious Objectors

November 4, 2016 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA With the utterly baffling release of Mel Gibson’s new pacifist-thriller Hacksaw Ridge, physicists around the world are suggesting we now have enough evidence to confirm that the controversial multiverse theory might actually have some validity. “Mel Gibson, […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Breaks His Vow of Pacifism to Defend the Last Can of Pepsi

October 16, 2016 Andrew

HILLSBORO, KS Centuries of non-violent Anabaptist teaching were tossed under the proverbial bus today as Mr. Thomas W. Koop of Hillsboro, Kansas assaulted fifteen innocent people in order to defend his right to the last […]

The Daily Bonnet

2016 Nobel Peace Prize to be Shared by All Mennonites

October 7, 2016 Andrew

OSLO, NORWAY The Nobel committee in Oslo has taken the unusual step this year in awarding the annual Peace Prize to “every single Mennonite on the planet.” The committee was particularly impressed with Mennonite conflict […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Olympic Dominance, as Explained By Dr. Freud

August 19, 2016 Andrew

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL The success of Mennonite athletes at this year’s Olympic games has come as a surprise to some, but according to Dr. Heinrich Freud, great-grandson of the founder of psychoanalysis, this Mennonite dominance […]

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