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The Daily Bonnet

‘The Voice’ to Feature Nothing but Mennonite Family Trios from Now On

December 15, 2021 Andrew

PETTISVILLE, OH After the success of Girl Named Tom this year, NBC’s ‘The Voice’ has committed to exclusively bringing in Mennonite singing groups from now on. “The Liechtys showed us that Mennonites could sing a […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman is a Real Mother Smucker

July 26, 2021 Andrew

WOOSTER, OH During the pandemic, Mrs. Smucker of Wooster, Ohio has been holed up watching MTV all day and discovered that a lot of music videos these days refer to “Mother Smuckers.” “I don’t recognize […]

Unger Suspicion

John Tortorella Hires Mennonites to Shun Patrik Laine

March 12, 2021 Andrew

COLUMBUS, OH Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is known for his unconventional methods of motivating his players, most notably benching star players or publicly shaming them when they don’t perform. It seems he’s […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites are Turning their Old Laine Jerseys into Quilts

January 24, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Moments after the Winnipeg Jets announced they had traded superstar right winter Patrik Laine to some team in Ohio, Mennonite Jets fans began fashioning their old Laine jerseys into quilts. “Gotta make some […]

Unger Suspicion

Google Searches for “How to Become Amish” Surge During Presidential Debate

October 1, 2020 Andrew

HOLMES COUNTY, OH Aghast at the dismal prospects for life in mainstream American society, millions of Americans are apparently considering joining the Amish. “During the debate we saw a huge surge in ‘how to move […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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