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money

Unger Suspicion

Local Gas Station to Offer Free Eye-Gouging or Kick in the Groin with Every Purchase

September 26, 2022 Andrew

VANCOUVER, BC Gas stations across Vancouver are going the extra mile this week by providing each paying customer with a complimentary eye-gouging or kick in the groin. “We’re trying to stand out from the crowd […]

Unger Suspicion

Canadians Demand to Have King ‘Burton Cummings’ Added to New Banknotes

September 21, 2022 Andrew

MOOSE JAW, SK In a coronation ceremony held in Moose Jaw this afternoon, legendary moustachioed musician Burton Cummings ascended to the Canadian throne. The move means the new $50 bill will now feature a late […]

The Daily Bonnet

Family Sells Modest Bungalow in Abbotsford to Live Like Kings in Winnipeg

September 4, 2022 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC The Janzens have just sold their modest 1100 sq. foot bungalow in Abbotsford and are using the funds to live like kings the rest of their lives in Winnipeg. “Even when you factor […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Sunday School Class to Discuss Ethics of Doing ‘Cash Jobs’

August 6, 2022 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB The Eastside Grunthal MCB church will be discussing the ethics of dudes doing jobs for cash in the Sunday morning adult Sunday school class. “Okay, so Garth over there offered to give me […]

The Daily Bonnet

Debit Machine Tip Options Strike Terror Into Mennonite Man

July 10, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Mr. Goertzen enjoyed his lovely meal of schnitzel at Ralph’s German Restaurant this afternoon, but was paralyzed with fear when the debit machine came to the table and he was presented with various […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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