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marriage

The Daily Bonnet

20-year-old Spinster Gives Up On Marriage

September 15, 2016 Andrew

EICHENFELD, MB After two full years at Eichenfeld Bible School and a steady stream of boyfriends who didn’t propose, local spinster, Rosemary B. Ratzlaff, who turns twenty this month, says she has given up hope of ever […]

The Daily Bonnet

Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage

September 10, 2016 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Every chaste young man’s biggest fear came true last night as Eric Dueck and Sarah Loewen were miraculously raptured just moments before they were able to consummate their marriage. “I just knew this […]

The Daily Bonnet

Friesen-Friesen Wedding is Well-Attended by Local Friesens

September 8, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Hundreds of Friesens from throughout southeast Manitoba descended on the local EMBC church this past Saturday to attend the wedding of Benjamin Friesen and Anna Friesen (no relation). “I’m so excited to see […]

The Daily Bonnet

Divorced Mennonites Remain Cousins, Legal Expert Says

August 2, 2016 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA Settling an age-old question that had baffled legal scholars for centuries, renowned barrister and American law expert Aganetha L. Schneider of Harrisonburg claims there’s no longer any room for debate when it comes to Mennonite […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mother-of-the-Bride Insists on Having “The Talk” Moments Before Daughter Walks Down the Aisle

June 25, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After neglecting to say anything at all about the topic over the past twenty years, concerned mother Brenda Harms waited at the doors of the Steinbach Gospel Mennonite Church for her daughter to […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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