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health

Unger & Thirst

New Mennonite EpiPen Injects Emergency Supply of Schmaunt Fat

October 27, 2016 Andrew

PLUM COULEE, MB Mennonites throughout southern Manitoba have been lining up outside local pharmacies to get their hands on a newly redesigned EpiPen that injects an emergency supply of schmaunt fat straight into the user’s […]

The Daily Bonnet

Dozens Injured as Mennonites Stampede to Pick Up Dime from Sidewalk in Downtown Steinbach

September 14, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB There was a stampede down Main Street Steinbach yesterday after a stray dime was dropped from Mr. Peters’ pocket. Dozens were hospitalized with a variety of injuries when thousands of locals clamoured to get […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Impresses Many With His Ability to Open Stubborn Pickle Jars

September 12, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Local strong man Art P. Blatz, 51, is renowned throughout the area for his ability to open pickle jars that no one else can seem to get open, even after running hot water […]

Unger Suspicion

Questions about Hillary Clinton’s Health May Disqualify Her From Ushering in Church

August 23, 2016 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC As videos continue to surface on the Internet that show Mrs. Clinton with unusual facial ticks and long bathroom breaks, some Mennonite pundits are suggesting Hillary Clinton may not have the physical stamina necessary […]

Unger & Thirst

Pharaoh’s Heart Hardened by Cracklings

August 20, 2016 Andrew

THEBES, EGYPT Despite considerable urging from Israelite leader Moses, the Pharaoh mentioned in the Book of Exodus refused to let the Israelites go because his “heart was hardened.” New evidence suggests that Pharaoh’s heart condition can […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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